No one wakes up one day and writes down in their planner, "today is the day I'll be traumatized." So, it feels like torture when it's time to let go of the trauma and heal from the pain that was caused.
It's so unfair isn't it? I know I am going through it right now. Yet, we can't stay mad forever that is simply not healthy for us. After all, if we hold on to hurt we won't have any space for joy.
So, how do we heal when we don't have any healing juice left to squeeze out of our exhausted, depressed bodies?
Well, the simplest step we can take its not a physical step at all, but a verbal one, we can ask ourselves questions.
But what kind of questions should we ask to start the healing process?
Keep reading to find out.
1. Who Hurt Me the Most in My Life?
Considering that trauma holds back no punches, might as well dive right in, right?
Answer it go ahead. Take out a sheet of paper. Write this question right there up at the top. Then answer it.
Was it a family member discouraging you to try that thing you expressed wanting to try? Write down their name.
Was it that lover who harmed you mentally, emotionally, and/or physically? Write down their name.
Maybe it's your kid yelling something at you on the lines of, "you don't love me" or "I hate you". Write down their name.
No, matter who has caused the pain write the name down, pick up the pen, then breathe.
There is no need to judge the name on the paper or the person who wrote it down (that person being you). There is no need to rationalize or spin the narrative so that the person written down doesn't "look so bad". There is no need to embellish and exaggerate the tale to justify the pain that you're in. Simply write down the name of the person who hurt you most.
To start healing, all you need first is to acknowledge that you have been hurt. The goal isn't to point a finger and to shift the blame, but to begin to see clearly who all the responsible parties are in your pain. To validate your perspective of the pain giver and their actions towards you.
This is a necessary first step that keeps us from beating ourselves up for getting hurt in the first place.
2. What Do I Wish This Person Knew About My Pain?
When we have been through situations that have caused us to feel hurt in any way the most important step as mentioned above is to validate our experiences.
It is very common that when feeling hurt, pain, or traumatized we can begin to blame ourselves for the pain, hurt, or trauma we have experienced or are experiencing.
Therefore, answering the question above is a powerful second step to take when we are seeking healing for ourselves.
Whether you want a cheating ex to feel the hurt of being cheated on, want a narcissistic parent to know the harms of gaslighting, or want a harmful work relation to feel the wrath of an HR visit, it is okay for us to want those who hurt us to take something away from the experience as well. In other words it would be nice to have them carry a bit of the load as well.
That's what this exercise allows us to do. Instead of spinning our wheels on the muddy topic that is "who is responsible for pain: them who present it to us, harm intended knowingly or us who invite it into the front door of our homes unknowingly, when we answer this question there is no blame to place.
This question allows us who are choosing healing to validate our perspective on a situation, while also gaining some clarity around the perspective of our violators, betrayers, harmful exes, and such.
We stop pointing a finger at ourselves as the bad person and begin to see ourselves as the one's who in the very least are willing to learn the lessons that tough situations offer to teach us. We begin to see that pain-causing situations and those who cause them, are worse off than us, because although the pain they cause comes with many lessons to teach, few "pain-causers" sign up to be students who desire a chance to learn.
That is sad.
3. What Does My Life Look Like When I Feel Joy?
Healing is not all about feeling happy again, but it is about how we can keep moving after hurt. So, what becomes important to the healing process is reassessing what it means and looks like for us to feel happy.
After a heartbreak, friendship breakup, loved-one loss, or any other type of trauma we can tend to forget what happiness feels like.
We forget the giddy joy that gives a spring to our bones. Our memories become cloudy on the topic of what it means to giggle. Forgotten is the look of a twinkle in our eyes and a smile on our face.
We may even forget how to find happiness again.
We cannot stay like this. Not, because "you have a duty to..." blah blah blah, but read what I just said again.
We forget the giddy joy that gives a spring to our bones. Our memories become cloudy on the topic of what it means to giggle. Forgotten is the look of a twinkle in our eyes and a smile on our face.
That is not how we deserve to live. That is not how we deserve to live. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit as listed in the Bible in the book of Galatians. For those of us less biblically inclined, joy is deserved by those who have spread joy and once held joy in their hearts before. If we had it once, we are destined to have it again.
We just need to remember.
On that paper you can write, "when I am happy my life looks like...", "when I am joyful my body, my face, my hair, my skin, my etc. looks like...". "When I feel my happiest I do these types of things...". "Happiness feels like blank to me."
Writing down the answer or answers to this question is designed to take you out of your sad thoughts and to get you imagining happier times.
When we can see ourselves doing something, feeling something, or being something we begin to align with that which we are doing, feeling, and being. So, choose to see yourself as healed, healthier, happier today.
There you have it 3 questions to ask yourself to start the healing process even when we feel like we don't have another inch to give or mile for them to take.
We cannot allow trauma to keep us stuck in a sad, unhealthy, and unhealed place. We owe it to ourselves to become the most happy, healthy, and healed version of self. Not simply so we can "slap on a happy face" and pretend to feel something we don't or to be something we aren't.
We deserve to become our most happy, healthy, and healed version of ourselves because none of us consciously signed up to feel pain. We did not wake up this morning, take out our favorite pens, our beautiful journals and planners and say, "today is the day I've been waiting for, today is the day I get traumatized."
So, although the pain is not what we asked for, the healing is in our power to claim and to begin whenever we are ready, because we deserve it.
We deserve healthiness. We deserve happiness. We deserve healing.
It is time we begin the healing process, not for them, but for us.
Thank you so much for being here with me today.
I appreciate you for allowing me to take you to my world today.
See you again, next Tuesday.